Strengthening Families & Marriages

It seems nearly every day there is something else astonishing in the news--most of it bad or repugnant. Short of hiding our heads in the sand or hibernating in a cave until the Second Coming, we will be faced with crass or even overtly sick material in the media from time to time. What is a parent to do? How do we prepare our children for that which they will most likely see, if not already seen?

News articles in the last month have talked about teen girls texting nude photos of themselves to unsuspecting guys in their high school or middle school classes--all in the hopes the boy will want to ask them out on a date. What is a parent to do? How do we prepare our sons for these kinds of matters?

Other researchers have now said that nearly half of high school students know fellow students with porn on their cell phones. What is a parent to do? How can we help prepare our children for the onslaught of evil that now is engulfing this planet?

Talk to any social psychologist who has studied longitudinally the effects of pornography. They will speak to the chemical changes it induces in the brain. They will speak to the numbing effect it has on "right and wrong." Pornography is not harmless "entertainment," much as the purveyors of this "entertainment" will put forth (remember, they profit from those addicted to the stuff).

Again, what is a parent to do for their children, especially those who are young and not aware of what lurks out there in the world? I think Brigham Young's counsel is pertinent for our children today (Brigham Young was one of the early presidents for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the official title for the Mormon church). He said:

"Learn...and be prepared for the most refined society upon the face of the earth, then improve upon this until we are prepared and permitted to enter the society of the blessed--the holy angels that dwell in the presence of God" (Journal of Discourses 16:77).

It's a funny thing about magnetic attraction. Heard the saying, "Like attracts like"? Building a refined family will help shape refined children. Refined children will be more likely to be drawn toward refined literature, activities, and endeavors. They will be more likely to shun that which is crass, vulgar, or rude.

How do we build refinement in our children? Again, Brigham Young gave this counsel:

"Our education should be such as to improve our minds and fit us for increased usefulness; to make us of greater service to the human family, to enable us to stop our rude methods of living, speaking, and thinking" (The Prophets Have Spoken, Vol 1, p 626).

Brigham Young wasn't just speaking about grade school and high school years when he spoke of education; he was speaking of our lifelong journey on this earth.

As parents we can set the example of refined living and education (that which we learn from) by what we choose to watch, what we choose to wear, what we choose to read, and so on. The more refined we are, the more likely our children will follow suit. And the better equipped they will be to handle the vulgarities of the world!

When was the last time you went on a family outing - without it being an assignment? In other words, NOT because of a recital. NOT because of a ball game. NOT because of a church meeting.

No, we're talking a spontaneous, or planned, jaunt together--like getting in the car and driving somewhere just for fun. Hmmm. If you're anything like me, it's probably been a while.

In a world that turns quicker and quicker, it's seeming harder and harder to find time just to be with each other. Isn't it sad that the people who matter most to each other (at least, this is what families often find out at a funeral - that they really did care after all) seem to spend so little face-to-face time together.

I come from a family that was really good at this. I thought it was normal and peaceful. For example, one Christmas my father rented a stunningly beautiful condo at a luxurious ski resort. We were all excited to go and spend time "together" as a family. In fact, this would be one of the first times for my new husband to interact on a daily basis with my family.

Oh, I thought it was a glorious time. My father and brother went off to prowl the scenic beauty of the mountain side, while my mother, my sister and I found unique nooks in the three-story condo to read whatever fascinating book we had in grasp at the moment. It was so quiet in the place you probably COULD have heard that proverbial pin drop!

In all my sereneness, I hadn't notice my poor husband floating from room to room, ghost-like and ever so lonely. It was only later when I'd commented on what a lovely time everyone had that I discovered a completely new perspective.

What I'd perceived as peaceful and idyllic, he'd found cold and lonely. What I'd found satiating and pleasant, he'd found strange. And in fact, the only time we'd united as a family during that week was in the evening, when we'd sit around snacking on yummy foods and regaling each other with the tales of our day (or the books we'd read).

At first I felt offended when my husband shared his perspective that our "togetherness" during the vacation wasn't as "together" as I'd perceived it. In fact, in its physical separateness, he felt emotional loneliness. That was when I realized that perhaps I didn't hold the "corner on the market" of viewpoints. Perhaps outsiders to my family would find our ways of interacting odd. I don't know. I come from a family that values literature and solo hikes in the outdoors.

My whole point, though, is that while I'd thought we were spending great heaps of hours in togetherness during this family vacation, in reality we were spending it apart in singular activities. I found it most satiating; my husband did not.

I learned that whereas there are times for private solitude, my husband taught me that there are equally as important times for family togetherness - being together in joint activities.

Today's family is not much different. Everyone may be home, but one person might be on their bed in one room, ears clogged with their iPod earbuds. Another child might be playing the PlayStation. Another is watching TV. Mom might be reading a book and Dad working at the table. Is everyone together? Well, yes, physically. But is everyone together emotionally? That you will have to decide.

But for me, I must go back to my original question. When was the last time the average family actually participated in a joint, "unassigned" activity? Yes, I've learned that even these are fun.

My poor husband may have been astonished long ago at my perspective on family togetherness. But I've now hopefully learned a thing or two - away from the iPods, the TVs, and yes, even the books.