Strengthening Families & Marriages

I've been studying recently in an instructional booklet put out by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (sometimes called the Mormon church because of our belief and use of The Book of Mormon). The instructional booklet is called Improving Gospel Teaching. It is a guide to improve gospel teaching moments, usually in the classroom but also in all other locations.

Perhaps it should not be surprising to find so much information within the booklet about and for parents, when overall the text is essentially geared for teachers within the Church. Because after all, parents are the teachers with greatest impact upon the main body of the Church.

Here is a paragraph from the chapter "Gospel Teaching in the Church":

"God has given His children their agency. Agency is the power to choose good or evil -- to either partake of the plan of redemption or reject it.

"To be able to choose good and partake of the plan of redemption, we must learn of the Savior and the doctrines of His gospel. He has commanded, 'Learn of me, and listen to my words' (D&C 19:23). In response to this commandment, individual members of the Church should study the scriptures and the teachings of latter-day prophets, ponder and pray about them, and apply them in their lives" ("Gospel Teaching in the Church," Improving Gospel Teaching, p. 1).

What a simple path this lays out for us as parents -- to teach our children to:

• Study the scriptures,
• Study the teachings of the latter-day prophets,
• Ponder and pray about them,
• and Apply them in our lives.

Yet these things are not likely to happen consistently for our families if we as parents do not lay out a plan to achieve them. That's when I began thinking about my family's daily activities. First, am I carving out time each day for family scripture study? It need not be hard, scripture study need not be lengthy, it need not be complicated. It simply needs to happen. The word of God can be read for free online or can be inexpensively purchased. How we obtain our books of scripture does not matter as much as making sure we do and then read daily from them.

Second, what about studying the word of God through His living prophets? This could be a great Sunday afternoon activity as a family to visit this link to hear the modern prophets speak -- even if it were only one discourse a week!

Third, have I carved a simple time out of my day to ponder and pray on these things I've read? Have I done the same for my family? A family that prays together stays together, or so the saying goes. Why not start each day with family prayer, everyone kneeling and one person offering their thanks, praises and requests of God? And then end the day each evening the same way. There is a sweet spirit that enters family life for each family who pursues this activity. The Lord waits to bless us and quickly responds to requests for His aid.

Following through with these first three steps mentioned above ensures that we are in the process of applying God's words in our lives. And what transformations begin to happen! I've seen it in the lives of others; I've felt it in my own family's life. As Elder Bruce R. McConkie, a previous apostle for the Mormon church, said:

"Each person must learn the doctrines of the gospel for himself. No one else can do it for him. Each person stands alone where gospel scholarship is concerned; each has access to the same scriptures and is entitled to the guidance of the same Holy Ghost; each must pay the price set by a divine Providence if he is to gain the pearl of great price" (Doctrines of the Restoration: Sermons and Writings of Bruce R. McConkie, ed. Mark L. McConkie [1989], 234).

Truly each one has the responsibility to learn of God and of His manifest goodness. And what a joy it is as a parent to be the guide for our children in that process! Here is a quick and easy link to free online scriptures. Enjoy reading them with your family and enjoying the pearl of great price the Lord has given us to sustain us through our days on earth!

In today's world, we hear a lot of talk about a lot of things. One of those points of discussion is about the non-necessity of marriage. I won't use some of the crasser phrases people use to describe such situations, but studies have shown that casual relationships with physical intimacy are destructive.

Another point of discussion by media individuals (and others) often is "how normal it is to use pornography."

Yet in truth,

"Physical intimacy is a sacred part of the marriage relationship. It allows children to be born into families, and it brings couples closer together throughout their lives.

"The adversary tries to thwart the Lord's plan of happiness by suggesting that physical intimacy is only for personal gratification. Pornography encourages this destructive and selfish preoccupation. Pornography depicts or describes the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. It may be found in written material (including romance novels), photographs, movies, electronic images, video games, internet chat rooms, erotic telephone conversations, music, or any other medium. It is a tool of the adversary" "("Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts," published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).

I'll stop right here and say that perhaps to some, if this is the first time of hearing such information, this might come as a surprise. For the companies who make millions of dollars from pornography, they want people of course to see it as benign and purely a form of "entertainment." "There is no harm in this!" they proclaim.

Why are they so insistent? Because they make money off of the sale of pornographic materials. Their focus is not wrecked families that result from pornographic addictions.

Talk to any of the many counselors who work with individuals desperate to break a porn addiction. Pornography is addicting. Talk to anyone trying to stop. In fact, some studies now are indicating that in as few as three exposures, an individual can no longer leave it alone. Experts will tell you that with the way pornography works and interacts with brain chemistry, it is a more powerful drug than cocaine!

I have known individuals who have fallen prey to pornography. I have seen families destroyed by it. It reminds me of several scriptures:

Alma 5:57
And now I say unto you, all you that are desirous to follow the voice of the good shepherd, come ye out from the wicked, and be ye separate, and touch not their unclean things;...

Can we really say that looking at pictures of naked bodies is a healthy activity? Where did our world get so confused?

3 Nephi 20:41
And then shall a cry go forth: Depart ye, depart ye, go ye out from thence, touch not that which is unclean; go ye out of the midst of her; be ye clean that bear the vessels of the Lord.

The Voice of reason still calls. The Lord wants His people to be a clean people. The best part is that He has provided a way for people to be clean - even if they have made big mistakes. That way is spoken of in the next scripture:

Moroni 10:30
And again I would exhort you that ye would come unto Christ, and lay hold upon every good gift, and touch not the evil gift, nor the unclean thing.

God does not ask us to be perfect all in one moment. He does want to know, though, where our hearts are at. Can we really be serving Him if our minds are full of naked people?

And yet the world continues on with its siren song: "pornography causes no harm."

Well, the Lord's servants declare otherwise. And they issue a sure promise. Anyone can come to Christ. Anyone! It does not matter what we've previously done. Anyone can come to Christ. It is why He did what he did; He paid for our sins. He loves us. He loves you. He loves me. He wants us back in His presence.

Isaiah teaches us, "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18).

What a miracle this can be! How is this possible? Isaiah answers this as he prophecies of the Lamb - the Son of God - Jesus Christ, who would be coming to save us all:

"He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

"Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

"But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed" (Isaiah 53:3-5).

Do you remember how Jesus Christ was beaten with a whip, just prior to His crucifixion? It is this that Isaiah refers to when the prophet spoke of "His stripes." How heart-wrenching, yet Christ allowed this so that our sins could be forgiven.

He did this because He knew we at times might stumble and err in judgment. Isaiah testifies:

"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all" (Isaiah 53:6).

Oh, how my heart rejoices that Christ would do all of this for us. He did it because of love. Can you imagine the sacrifice? the effort? What this means is that because of Jesus Christ, everyone can be released from the snares in life, even the snare of pornography.

The pamphlet referred to above finishes off these thoughts with this paragraph:

"As you learn and apply the gospel of Jesus Christ in your life, you can withstand the adversary. If you 'let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly' (D&C 121:45), you will grow in knowledge, strength, and power. You can receive His image in your countenance and be spiritually born of Him (see Alma 5:14)."

Isn't this great? The way out of traps and difficulties that would snare us is given in this last paragraph. When we 'let virtue garnish' our thoughts, we become strong in Christ.

So the way out of anything that ensnares us is to spend time in the scriptures and in prayer. When we study the scriptures, we learn of virtue and that process begins to transform us, to strengthen us. Before we know, as we humbly seek the Lord, that which had caused us to stumble has lost its power over us - all because of Him who redeemed us! We just need to follow Him, not the ways of the world!

We began by talking how marriage is central to God's plan. It is. One of the things that can destroy a marriage more quickly than nearly any other thing is pornography.

The Lord will help anyone caught in pornography's snares - if they will turn to Him through scripture study, prayer, and obtain the help of a counselor who specializes in addictions.

The greatest joys we can experience in this life are found in family life. Let's work hard to make sure we preserve ours based on the gospel of Jesus Christ and Him who came to save.

P.S. Here is additional information on the Church's Addiction Recovery Program, on Pornography and Internet Safety, and a Seven-Part Anti-Pornography Series. For additional information, the Mormon church has this helpful page on the subject of pornography.

Here is what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (sometimes called the Mormon church) states about "abortion."

"Human life is a sacred gift from God. Elective abortion for personal or social convenience is contrary to the will and the commandments of God."

Pretty straight forward, isn't it! And a far cry from what so many are bandying about in today's society.

Perhaps this stand is not so foreign, though, when one contemplates the eternal viewpoint of God towards the sensitivity and sanctity of all of creation. When Cain slew Abel, (I believe) Cain did more than simply take a life. He demonstrated a lack of understanding of the value of an individual and the seriousness of destroying what God has created.

When Moses issued forth God's perspective through the Ten Commandments, one of those commandments was simply, "Thou shalt not kill."

If we go to the dictionary to fully comprehend the meaning of "kill", we learn that "kill" essentially means to annihilate, to quash, to eradicate, or to finish off. Perhaps these words help shed further light on ending a pregnancy.

We can read from the Church very helpful guidance regarding the matter:

"In today's society, abortion has become a common practice, defended by deceptive arguments. Latter-day prophets have denounced abortion, referring to the Lord's declaration, 'Thou shalt not . . . kill, nor do anything like unto it' (D&C 59:6)....

"Church leaders have said that some exceptional circumstances may justify an abortion, such as when pregnancy is the result of incest or rape, when the life or health of the mother is judged by competent medical authority to be in serious jeopardy, or when the fetus is known by competent medical authority to have severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth.

"But even these circumstances do not automatically justify an abortion. Those who face such circumstances should consider abortion only after consulting with their local Church leaders and receiving a confirmation through earnest prayer.

"When a child is conceived out of wedlock, the best option is for the mother and father of the child to marry and work toward establishing an eternal family relationship. If a successful marriage is unlikely, they should place the child for adoption, preferably through LDS Family Services (see "Adoption").

It is from this perspective that God operates. To destroy creation is not following after God's ways. But what if a person did not know? What if she sought an abortion, not understanding the emotional turmoil that comes after, let alone the deeper perspective of God on the matter?

Listen to these soothing words of Christ:

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

I testify that the Lord has the ability to repair a broken soul. He gives the way with these words:

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls" (Matthew 11:29).

Candace Salima covered this topic a few days ago. If you'd like to read her thoughts on the matter, click here.

If you would like to learn more, please feel free to visit this link.

My husband and I have a little chalkboard. It is a sweet little thing - one of those old fashioned, real-life chalkboards. Most of the world has switched over to whiteboards for message leaving or instruction, but not so my husband nor myself.

I'm not sure why dusty white chalk appeals so much to me. Could it be the way it lingers on my fingers, reminding me of early years in grade school? Could it be cleaning the eraser, something that takes me back to my small self in a classroom long, long ago? Where I stood, clapping the little fuzzy things together to create large clouds of dust (let's ignore the lung health issues for a moment)?

For whatever reason, I love little chalkboards. And the one my husband and I share has brought a strengthening tone to our marriage. I'll let you in on a little secret as to why.

The chalkboard ended up in our closet after one of our many moves. We'd transferred from a much larger home to a rental, while we were waiting to decide the next step in our lives. There was no place for that little chalkboard and I rather liked it, with its dark cherry frame and little ledge to keep chipped fragments of chalk and a petite eraser.

So there it would sit, on the side of our closet, out of the way and nearly forgotten.

That is until one day when my husband, for some sweet and unrestrained moment, left a written message for me on it. It was simply something similar to an outline of a heart with our initials inside it. The significance of the drawing did not exist in its elegance, for after all even a small person can draw a heart.

But the fact that my husband left me a "secret love note" on that little chalkboard warmed me. I stood there staring at his message, long after he'd left for the day and therefore presumably long after he'd written it. "Oh, isn't that sweet," I couldn't help but say. And then I pondered.

I pondered on the kind of man who would do such a thing ... especially on a morning in which he was rushing to get to work. And I realized it is of such things that a marriage is built. Those tiny moments where we stop to take a little piece of us and leave it for another do more to de-fragment a marriage than we might suspect (or fragment, as the case may be).

That was when I realized how significant the little things are that we do in our marriages ... for good or for ill. How often we can be wrapped up in our lives like the clothing we quickly put on each morning. Yet if I took time to create minute little moments for my husband, just as he'd took for me, how much better off our marriage would be and would grow through the years.

I'm keeping that little chalk board. It may be old-fashioned, but old-fashioned is good when it comes to steady, and true, and full of love.

You just might want to get a little closet chalkboard, too!

~~~~~
For an excellent article to read on strengthening homes and marriages, click here.

Have you stopped to consider that you might be the only emotional "bandage" your spouse has in a cheese-grater kind of world? The Lord would have us support one another during difficult times, but oh how difficult that can be when one of the two spouses is low.

Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in how difficult things are for us. Sometimes, because we don't see the day through the eyes of our spouse, we are challenged to understand their stressors. (Heaven forbid we actually should be one of our spouse's stressors.)

I remember working at a large corporation. The beautiful thing about that was that my husband worked there also. We were beginning new jobs in the work force, having just completed college. As a result, we'd both found jobs in the customer service department of this large company.

If you've never worked customer service before, just know that people rarely call because they're head over heals in love with your product. Noooo, usually the calls come from frustrated individuals in a panic and with a deadline. Thus, the calls are rarely pleasant. It takes great skill and personality to be able to pull the individuals down from the spiky trees of emotion and get them going on their way again.

By the end of the day, at least most days, as a customer service rep you're pretty well rung out emotionally. It takes great discipline not to yell back at those who are yelling at you - since they're angry with your product and now see you as the instigator of their problem.

Needless to say, leaving work each day could be quite the pleasure, yet the frustration from those heated calls still stung.

The great thing for my husband and myself was that we both understood that frustration and pressure because daily we were working in it! Driving home from the job each day was great, because we could vent together. We would chat: "Wow, you're right. That call must have been hard, kind of like the one I got . . . " and so on. Having someone to bandage your soul at the end of each challenging day was beautiful. By the time we would arrive at our newlywed apartment, we were ready and able to leave the rigors of work behind - and simply enjoy each other's company.

During that time, I'd often thought, "What if one of us didn't work in this field? Could either of us truly understand how hard it is?" I was grateful we didn't have to find out. Because we knew the difficulty, we knew how to bandage each other's emotional "scabs" from the day.

The next time your spouse comes home after a long hard day at work, wrung dry emotionally, check to see what your emotional response is. I still forget this, now that I'm a stay-at-home mommy. But the reality is still there - life at times can feel like a cheese grater that continues to grind away at us. As spouses, do we bandage each other's wounds . . . or make them worse? And what would the Lord have us do?

I'm still learning this, and am oh so grateful for that customer rep opportunity I shared with my husband, because it taught me deeply the importance of bandaging each other after the long and hard days this sometimes-cheese-grater world rubs our way.