Strengthening Families & Marriages

It seems nearly every day there is something else astonishing in the news--most of it bad or repugnant. Short of hiding our heads in the sand or hibernating in a cave until the Second Coming, we will be faced with crass or even overtly sick material in the media from time to time. What is a parent to do? How do we prepare our children for that which they will most likely see, if not already seen?

News articles in the last month have talked about teen girls texting nude photos of themselves to unsuspecting guys in their high school or middle school classes--all in the hopes the boy will want to ask them out on a date. What is a parent to do? How do we prepare our sons for these kinds of matters?

Other researchers have now said that nearly half of high school students know fellow students with porn on their cell phones. What is a parent to do? How can we help prepare our children for the onslaught of evil that now is engulfing this planet?

Talk to any social psychologist who has studied longitudinally the effects of pornography. They will speak to the chemical changes it induces in the brain. They will speak to the numbing effect it has on "right and wrong." Pornography is not harmless "entertainment," much as the purveyors of this "entertainment" will put forth (remember, they profit from those addicted to the stuff).

Again, what is a parent to do for their children, especially those who are young and not aware of what lurks out there in the world? I think Brigham Young's counsel is pertinent for our children today (Brigham Young was one of the early presidents for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the official title for the Mormon church). He said:

"Learn...and be prepared for the most refined society upon the face of the earth, then improve upon this until we are prepared and permitted to enter the society of the blessed--the holy angels that dwell in the presence of God" (Journal of Discourses 16:77).

It's a funny thing about magnetic attraction. Heard the saying, "Like attracts like"? Building a refined family will help shape refined children. Refined children will be more likely to be drawn toward refined literature, activities, and endeavors. They will be more likely to shun that which is crass, vulgar, or rude.

How do we build refinement in our children? Again, Brigham Young gave this counsel:

"Our education should be such as to improve our minds and fit us for increased usefulness; to make us of greater service to the human family, to enable us to stop our rude methods of living, speaking, and thinking" (The Prophets Have Spoken, Vol 1, p 626).

Brigham Young wasn't just speaking about grade school and high school years when he spoke of education; he was speaking of our lifelong journey on this earth.

As parents we can set the example of refined living and education (that which we learn from) by what we choose to watch, what we choose to wear, what we choose to read, and so on. The more refined we are, the more likely our children will follow suit. And the better equipped they will be to handle the vulgarities of the world!

My daughter asked me yesterday, with great concern in her young voice, why bad things had to happen to good people. She was thinking of the people in Burma (Myanmar) and in China with the recent, horrific events they're experiencing.

I thought of what a deep question this was and indeed, a question that has been asked by people and individuals off and on throughout the history of the world.

I am not a philosopher by trade. In fact, the first two times I attempted to take a required Philosophy class in college, I dropped the class both times; the thinkings were deep and difficult to follow. But because I couldn't graduate without the class, I finally tried a third time. This time, the newest professor actually made sense and his overall enthusiasm soon moved me to a spot where Philosophy became my favorite subject.

But this still doesn't mean I can answer deep philosophical questions the same way a true professional "Philosopher" would. In fact, at dictionary.com the definitions of the term "philosophy" are multiple (how ironic this is -- even within the definition there are different approaches and answers about this one word!).

One definition is: "the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct." Another definition is "the critical study of the basic principles and concepts of a particular branch of knowledge, esp. with a view to improving or reconstituting them: the philosophy of science."

But one of the final definitions mentioned really struck me: "a system of principles for guidance in practical affairs." And it is from this perspective that I want to write today.

As rhetorical as some people could get about "why bad things happen to good people", all of that rhetoric doesn't help soothe the anguish of the moment experienced by individuals suffering through severe times, such as those people in Burma or in China with the cyclone or earthquake (respectively).

But Jesus Christ does speak to this suffering. First of all, He knows of what He speaks. He, who bled from every pore in the Garden of Gethsemane, knows of suffering. He knows of anguish. For He carried it all so that He might know how to succor God's children. And here is what He said,

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls" (Matthew 11:28-29).

I may not have all the philosophical answers to the difficult questions of the world, but I know Someone who does. I testify that He does lift burdens and answer unanswerable questions. All we need do is turn to Him.

Here is more information about Jesus Christ and some of the answers He provides to some of the more unanswerable questions of this life.

I've been studying recently in an instructional booklet put out by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (sometimes called the Mormon church because of our belief and use of The Book of Mormon). The instructional booklet is called Improving Gospel Teaching. It is a guide to improve gospel teaching moments, usually in the classroom but also in all other locations.

Perhaps it should not be surprising to find so much information within the booklet about and for parents, when overall the text is essentially geared for teachers within the Church. Because after all, parents are the teachers with greatest impact upon the main body of the Church.

Here is a paragraph from the chapter "Gospel Teaching in the Church":

"God has given His children their agency. Agency is the power to choose good or evil -- to either partake of the plan of redemption or reject it.

"To be able to choose good and partake of the plan of redemption, we must learn of the Savior and the doctrines of His gospel. He has commanded, 'Learn of me, and listen to my words' (D&C 19:23). In response to this commandment, individual members of the Church should study the scriptures and the teachings of latter-day prophets, ponder and pray about them, and apply them in their lives" ("Gospel Teaching in the Church," Improving Gospel Teaching, p. 1).

What a simple path this lays out for us as parents -- to teach our children to:

• Study the scriptures,
• Study the teachings of the latter-day prophets,
• Ponder and pray about them,
• and Apply them in our lives.

Yet these things are not likely to happen consistently for our families if we as parents do not lay out a plan to achieve them. That's when I began thinking about my family's daily activities. First, am I carving out time each day for family scripture study? It need not be hard, scripture study need not be lengthy, it need not be complicated. It simply needs to happen. The word of God can be read for free online or can be inexpensively purchased. How we obtain our books of scripture does not matter as much as making sure we do and then read daily from them.

Second, what about studying the word of God through His living prophets? This could be a great Sunday afternoon activity as a family to visit this link to hear the modern prophets speak -- even if it were only one discourse a week!

Third, have I carved a simple time out of my day to ponder and pray on these things I've read? Have I done the same for my family? A family that prays together stays together, or so the saying goes. Why not start each day with family prayer, everyone kneeling and one person offering their thanks, praises and requests of God? And then end the day each evening the same way. There is a sweet spirit that enters family life for each family who pursues this activity. The Lord waits to bless us and quickly responds to requests for His aid.

Following through with these first three steps mentioned above ensures that we are in the process of applying God's words in our lives. And what transformations begin to happen! I've seen it in the lives of others; I've felt it in my own family's life. As Elder Bruce R. McConkie, a previous apostle for the Mormon church, said:

"Each person must learn the doctrines of the gospel for himself. No one else can do it for him. Each person stands alone where gospel scholarship is concerned; each has access to the same scriptures and is entitled to the guidance of the same Holy Ghost; each must pay the price set by a divine Providence if he is to gain the pearl of great price" (Doctrines of the Restoration: Sermons and Writings of Bruce R. McConkie, ed. Mark L. McConkie [1989], 234).

Truly each one has the responsibility to learn of God and of His manifest goodness. And what a joy it is as a parent to be the guide for our children in that process! Here is a quick and easy link to free online scriptures. Enjoy reading them with your family and enjoying the pearl of great price the Lord has given us to sustain us through our days on earth!

This title, "Home - The Central Place," caught my eye. I was reading in an instructional booklet put out by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (casually called the Mormons). The booklet was called "Improving Gospel Teaching: A Leader's Guide." Published in 1998, it contains much information under these various headings:

• Gospel Teaching in the Church,
• Leader Support of Teachers,
• Teacher Improvement Meetings,
• and the "Teaching the Gospel" Course.

But it was while I was reading in this booklet that I saw the sub-title, "Home: The Central Place." Actually, the full title was/is "Home: The Central Place for Learning and Teaching the Gospel." The entire title caught my attention, because I realized with great strength how true that saying is.

Imagine a child that goes to church and hears that Jesus taught we should love one another, yet the child returns home and is hit by his parents. Imagine a child that goes to church and hears that we should be honest, yet goes home and sees his parent keeping too much change the store clerk unknowingly gave. Imagine that same child hearing God's truth that the Sabbath day is holy, yet sees his parents hosting a raucous party on Sunday for the Super Bowl.

Yet on the reverse, imagine that same child (instead) hearing during Sunday services about loving one another and returning home to hear his mother say, "Son, you matter to me," accompanied by a big hug. Picture that child hearing in Sunday services the value of honesty and the next day, he sees his father returning the overage in change a store clerk unknowingly gave. And just imagine a child returning home after a Sunday School lesson on the 10 Commandments with the importance of Sabbath day observance, and his parents actually spend time with the family that evening studying the word of God.

In reviewing these scenarios, I realized yet again just how important a statement the title was: "Home - The Central Place for Learning and Teaching the Gospel." In fact, here is a quote from that very section:

The family is ordained of God. It is central to His plan. He has established families to bring happiness to His children, to help them learn the gospel in a loving atmosphere, and to prepare them for eternal life. The home is the most important place to teach, learn, and apply gospel principles (see Mosiah 4:14-15; D&C 68:25-28).

Parents should thoughtfully plan and hold family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening, and other family activities. They should do all they can to make good use of these teaching opportunities ("Gospel Teaching in the Church," Improving Gospel Teaching, p 1).

While reading this quote, I of course had to face my own parenting skills, approaches, and moments. It is imperative that I make sure I provide the proper atmosphere and environment for my children in their gospel understanding and growth.

As President Spencer W. Kimball said, "Home is where we become experts and scholars in gospel righteousness" (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 129). May we seek these kinds of things for our own families!

For more information on building the family and finding joy therein, feel free to visit the Church's Provident Living website where you will find help to strengthen your marriage, to strengthen your family, and even information of support groups for those seeking to overcome addictions.

I love the scriptures. Some days they are the only things that brings me peace. I particularly enjoy the Old Testament, as odd as that sounds. Even though it is a loooong book of scripture, the stories within it are rich and instructive.

Generally speaking, the first five books of the Old Testament are sometimes known as "the law" or the books of Moses. These books are Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. They address the Creation of the world all the way through Moses' instruction to the Israelites after they fled Pharaoh in Egypt.

The next section of the Old Testament is often known as "the history" portion of the Old Testament. These books are Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel, 1 & 2 Kings, 1 & 2 Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, and Esther. In fact, if you want to read the Old Testament quickly, simply read 1 & 2 Chronicles. This is a concise summary of the history of the ancient Israelites boiled down into two summary books called 1 and 2 Chronicles.

The next section has been sometimes called "the wisdom literature" of the Old Testament. These are the books of Job, Psalms, Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. The rest of the Old Testament (other than Song of Solomon) are records of specific prophets that are not in any chronological order, but are from different historical parts of ancient Israelites' experiences: Isaiah, Jeremiah (and his book of Lamentations), Ezekiel, Daniel, Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, and Malachi.

All of this creates a pathway or a map for us to follow. And it is an important map for our children to be familiar with, for what befell the Israelites befalls all people who forget their God and leave His protecting care and insist on living dangerous lifestyles (did you know that the ancient Israelites turned to killing their infants during pagan ceremonies? No wonder the Lord decreed certain consequences for their behavior!).

Today I was reading in Obadiah. The Lord gave him a vision and a direct message for the ancient Israelites who insisted on going after false gods and false practices. Here are the Lord's words given through His prophet Obadiah to the Israelites:

"The pride of thine heart hath deceived thee, thou...whose habitation is high; that saith in his heart, Who shall bring me down to the ground? (Obadiah 1:3)." The Lord soon enough did bring them down to the ground, for their sakes, to attempt to keep them from self-destructing.

So often as I see other peoples' choices in today's world, rather than judge them, I sorrow and I wonder about myself. Are there any dangerous pieces of pride within me leading me on, as Obadiah mentions? For truly we learn from his clear "map" that pride leads us into paths where we can be deceived and wherein we deceive ourselves.

Obadiah also mentions many other mistakes on the part of these ancient Israelites; for example, they cold-heartedly looked on--without helping other Israelites--during the demise of those in Jerusalem. The Lord noted their many grievous choices and simply said, "...As thou hast done, it shall be done unto thee" (Obadiah 1:15).

Indeed, there are many rich stories amongst the Old Testament that create a sure and steady map or pathway for me to help teach my own children the way to peace and the way to God Himself. If you would like to explore the Old Testament yourself, feel free to explore these free online scriptures!

In this world that is drenched with sexual images and commodities, what is a parent to do to strengthen their child (and even themselves) against this onslaught? It is a rampant problem, one that appears to be worsening.

My husband a few years back attended a conference for mental health counselors and psychologists. The focus of the conference was helping clients overcome pornography addiction. During the lectures and workshops of the conference, my husband learned many important things to help those he counsels with sexual addiction issues. But one of the most startling facts shared at the conference was the new target market for porn companies are the 7- to 12- year-olds! Nothing beautiful, "artistic," nor entertaining about that!

This fact was shocking to me. It is more than appalling. I don't know how those who work for that industry face themselves in the mirror each morning. Most historians will tell you that a country that immerses itself in sexual promiscuity eventually self-destructs, whether internally or through external stronger forces.

My husband also shared with me that an additional report stated that the original funding for picture-capable cell phones came from pornography companies. And it makes sense (at least to them); pornography can be so addicting that if you bring porn to the young, they become the porn companies' customers for a lifetime.

So in the midst of all of this, what is a parent to do? Here are three suggestions:

1. Understand What Pornography Is.

Here is a simple definition of "pornography":

"Pornography is any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings."

Regardless if some people call it art or entertainment, this definition of pornography could not be clearer!

2. Understand the Lord's Perspective On Pornography.

The Lord speaks to us through his servants and prophets (see Amos 3:7). Elder Richard G. Scott clearly states:

"Whether it be through the printed page, movies, television, obscene lyrics, the telephone, or on a flickering personal computer screen, pornography is overpoweringly addictive and severely damaging" ("The Sanctity of Womanhood," Ensign, May 2000, 36-38).

Our most recent prophet President Gordon B. Hinckley, prior to his death, said:

"Stay away from pornography as you would a serious disease. It is as destructive" ("Living Worthy of the Girl You Will Someday Marry," Ensign, May 1998, 49-51).

Links are also listed below for these two powerful discourses from God's servants. They provide a start to help understand the Lord's perspective and rationale on the dangers of pornography.

3. Make Use of Fasting, Scriptures Study, Prayer and Service.

As we work with our children, it is essential we arm them with the very real and effective tools of Fasting, Scripture Study, Prayer, and Service. We can help them find their power to overcome anything when they (and we) make use of these aids given us from God.

4. Get Help When Stuck.

A friend once told me that only the strong seek help. His comment stuck in my mind and has continued to register through the years. Truly, those who care will seek aid when they are struggling with anything, for they recognize the possibility of a brighter day. Church leaders are there to help anyone who struggles. The church has set up its own gentle 12-step program to help those who find themselves in the clutches of sexual addictions. The world is so much brighter when we are free of the chains Satan would bind us with.

It is urgent, given the conditions in the world today, to help our children understand the importance of getting help with struggling with anything, even (and especially) pornography. Because at times, experiences will broadside us when we least expect it. My husband, through counseling many clients, now has the perspective that most people on this earth will at some time or another be faced with a pornographic image. That's when we immediately turn off the computer, walk away, and immerse ourselves in the things of the Spirit to renew our souls.

We can help our children find joy in this world as we follow the Lord's plan and keep ourselves free from the entanglements that some would like to ensnare us with!

Additional Resources:

"You Can't Pet a Rattlesnake," David E. Sorenson, Ensign, May 2001, 41.

"Living Worthy of the Girl You Will Someday Marry," Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 1998, 49.

"Breaking the Chains of Pornography," Ensign, Feb 2001, 55.

"Strengthening Marriage: A Resource Guide for Couples," www.providentliving.org.

Addiction Recovery Support Groups, www.providentliving.org

At the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, referred to as the Mormons, 178th Annual General Conference Elder Russell M. Nelson, a living Apostle of our Lord Jesus Christ, stated:

This life is the time to prepare for salvation and exaltation. In God’s eternal plan, salvation is an individual matter; exaltation is a family matter. (Russell M. Nelson, “Salvation and Exaltation,” Ensign, May 2008, 7–10)

Let's take a look at the definition of salvation: "In the doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the terms "saved" and "salvation" have various meanings. As used in Romans 10:9-10, the words "saved" and "salvation" signify a covenant relationship with Jesus Christ. Through this covenant relationship, followers of Christ are assured salvation from the eternal consequences of sin if they are obedient."

Salvation is entirely up to each one of us, individually. A covenant relationship with Jesus Christ is something precious given to us by the Lord. When we left our heavenly home we set forth on this mortal journey with great excitement and energy, determined to accomplish the purposes of our mortal probation. Before leaving we made promises, covenants, with our Savior. Things that we promised to accomplish on His behalf. For example, we may have made promises to:

• Marry and raise a family up unto God, or
• To teach the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the world, or
• To mentor parentless or single parent children, or
• To live our lives in such a way as to emulate Jesus Christ, or
• To be a true and loyal friend, or
• To be a mother, or
• To be a father, or
• To be a scientist who cures disease, or
• To be a doctor who save lives, or

The possibilities are literally endless. The greatest promise we made was to reach the fullest of our potential as children of God. This is where salvation is dependent on us. How badly do we want to return to Jesus Christ?

First and foremost, we must have faith that Jesus Christ really is the Son of God. We must have faith that He is our Savior and Redeemer. Elder Nelson tells us:

The development of faith in the Lord is an individual matter. Repentance is also an individual matter. Only as an individual can one be baptized and receive the Holy Ghost. Each of us is born individually; likewise, each of us is “born again” individually. Salvation is an individual matter. (Ibid Elder Russell M. Nelson)

In other words, it us up to us to make the best of what our Father in Heaven has given us. He gave us His Son, Jesus Christ, to redeem the world . . . all the children of God, no matter when or where they've lived, live or have yet to live. No matter their race, culture, creed or religion, Jesus Christ is the Messiah to us all.

Once we have accepted Jesus Christ as our Savior and Redeemer, even accepted Him as real as you or I, then it is our job to become better people.

Once we have become all we can become, individually, it is time to continue the progression on to exaltation, which is indeed, a family matter. We cannot become exalted until we are part of a family, our family. The definition of exaltation is: "Eternal life is the phrase used in scripture to define the quality of life that our Eternal Father lives. The Lord declared, "This is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39). Immortality is to live forever as a resurrected being. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, everyone will receive this gift. Eternal life, or exaltation, is to live in God's presence and to continue as families (see D&C 131:1–4). Like immortality, this gift is made possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. However, to inherit eternal life requires our "obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel" (Articles of Faith 1:3)."

Mormons believe deeply and strongly in the eternal family. It is one of the greatest parts of Heavenly Father's plan of salvation. It is the thing that keeps us moving forward through all obstacles, trials and tragedies . . . the thought that we can be with our family forever and do so in the presence of God is truly a goal worth fighting for.

Elder Nelson tell us:

Individual progression is fostered in the family, which is “central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” The home is to be God’s laboratory of love and service. There a husband is to love his wife, a wife is to love her husband, and parents and children are to love one another.

Throughout the world, the family is increasingly under attack. If families fail, many of our political, economic, and social systems will also fail. And if families fail, their glorious eternal potential cannot be realized.

Our Heavenly Father wants husbands and wives to be faithful to each other and to esteem and treat their children as an heritage from the Lord. In such a family we study the scriptures and pray together. And we fix our focus on the temple. There we receive the highest blessings that God has in store for His faithful children. (Ibid)

Our family units on earth are patterned after the eternal family we left behind, in heaven. When an apostle of the Lord tells us that the family is central to exaltation, the greatest level a child of God can reach, then it is a very important thing to remember. Through the power of prayer we are able to gain the strength and courage we need to keep moving forward.

Family means love. Family means support. Family means strength. Family means courage. Family means . . . everything.

Resurrection, or immortality, comes to every man and every woman as an unconditional gift.

Eternal life, or celestial glory or exaltation, is a conditional gift. Conditions of this gift have been established by the Lord, who said, “If you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God.” Those qualifying conditions include faith in the Lord, repentance, baptism, receiving the Holy Ghost, and remaining faithful to the ordinances and covenants of the temple. (Ibid)

Do not fear if you are alone. The Lord knows the true intent of your heart and although life may seem lonely at this time, you truly have only to live up to the potential of being a child of God and leave the rest in the hands of God. You are descended of a long line of ancestors, going back to Adam and Eve, who will stand with you in the eternities. Your job is simply to do all you can to become the person God needs you to be, keep your heart and mind open to the possibilities He will present to you and trust that you are in His care. Despite all the world presents to you, trust in Jesus Christ. Trust that family is eternal.

If family is not in the future for you, families can be formed through the bonds of friendship as well as through the bonds of church members. Trust that the Lord will place people in your path who will help you to ease the sorrow. On your knees, if you will pour your heart out and listen, I mean really listen, then the Savior will offer that comfort you need until your eternal family bonds are formed.

Simply believe, that through your attained salvation, exaltation can be found if you have not walked away from the opportunities the Lord has placed in your path.

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you. They love you more than you can possibly know or ever understand. A way and path has been provided, through Jesus Christ, to find our way back to our heavenly home and that exaltation, and family, awaits.